How I really feel towards blogging

Just saw this blog post from my favourite youtube guru Bubz Beauty:

http://www.bubzbeauty.com/diary/191-heart-2-heart.html

On how she felt pressurized nowadays that making a video is no longer that carefree and exciting as before.

Youtube was a place for me to have fun and share fun ideas. Now it has famously become a platform for opportunities. Without me even expecting this, it has become a career for me as well because it provides an income now. I enjoy Youtube a lot because I get to learn so much and become inspired  by you all but… it has now become a job right? Mind you, I’m not complaining because if this is a job- this is my dream job. You kidding? I’m paid to do something I love? But suddenly the expectations of having to have a video up every 5-6 days has begun to pressurize me. Lately, I started to feel tired and uninspired. I started to think “What happened to the days when I used to wake up with an video idea and bursted with excitement to film?”. These days I would wake up and have a brain pickle from trying to think of ideas and inspirations. I can’t really describe this “expectation pressure” but I guess I let it rule over me for the past several weeks. Youtube has given me so many opportunities but I miss the care free me too. I can have fun again right? Why am I putting so much pressure on myself right?”

I find that I could relate to her so much in this post, except that I am not famous, I don’t earn much through blogging (except getting many free products) and I don’t make videos; I blog.

I used to blog excessively and having to update my life just one day after an event took place was so much so much more easier. I couldn’t comprehend that time why some people just cannot keep their blog updated. Because for me, blogging comes naturally. I love jotting down whatever that has happened to me and I like it that blogging is a way for me to unleash my emotions, whether I’m feeling happy or depress.

The content which I put up never bothered me that much since I know there’s only a handful of readers who read them.

I used to blog about trival little things that made me happy or upset.

Like how I spent an hour in the School’s newly open Starbucks, sipping my hot cocoa drink and chatting away with my pals.

How happy I felt when people appreciated my hardwork.

Or like posting pictures of the “photoshopped” me and laugh about it. (Yes, obviously the hair colour is photoshopped. lol.)

Or like how Prawn made me smile when he delivered sushi to my doorstep just because I was craving for it.

The special dancing dinosaur that Prawn got for me cos he found it cute. :>

Nowadays, I just felt that readers who come to my blog are no longer interested in reading these. Like come’on, who wants to read about where I go, what I do on a daily basis? Twitter is there for a purpose.

The things which I deliberately left out in my blog are the things that matter to me the most. Firstly, I don’t want to come across as being boastful of my current life, secondly I don’t want anybody to start worrying about me if I sound upset in my post, thirdly, these entries don’t seem to fit into my blog that well anymore and lastly, there are certain things which I just want to keep to myself and a few people around me, not with hundreds of people reading definitely.

All these seem unimportant to many people since these posts don’t provide useful information of any sort. But these are important memories for me, memories which I felt I no longer can write in my blog.

Having said that, I’m still thankful at how my blog turns out to be. All the amazing opportunities given to me if not for this current blog. All the like-minded friends I made through blogging. All the various media events I attended even though I’m no longer working in SPH. And of course, all the sponsorship I got from blogging. There are just so many perks through blogging but most importantly, I still want to share because I love to share and I’m happy to be able to get in touch with many girls who are just beginning to start taking care of their skin and body. I felt that I can have the power to change a lot of girls and improve in their self-esteem just like how I changed myself.

I’m just a little tired at times, having to think of topics to blog about constantly. Afterall, when a passion becomes a job, it’s enjoyable but equally stressful.

Maybe it’s time to slow down my pace a little and share the things I genuinely want to share.

If you have been a reader of mine since my secondary school days, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
X

Please

Please let EVERYTHING be okay.

I want my grandma to be okay.
I want my projects to be smooth-sailing.

Whoever up there, did you hear me?

I’m feeling so effing stress up now.
Am not someone who will feel stress up tt easily. So when I do, you know how bad the situation is.

-period-

Emo Nemo

[Edit]

Just wana share some pictures taken from the photoshoot …

These days my life is all about school and blogging. I hardly have time for anything else; even if I do, I’d rather spend the time lazying around in the comfort of my house, surfing the net, watching the TV or simply just sleep my time off. Other than the time spent in school with my classmates, I’ve not exactly meet up with any of my other friends except Hong who came to my house for some makeup crash course. haha. I tried to keep in contact with some of them through their Twitter or FB status, but I’m beginning to think that it is useless. Not all of them uses these applications frequently and I’m sad because I felt like I’m out of their life? I tried sending SMS-ES to M to catch up, but sadly, M didn’t reply my sms. There are many other circumstances in which I feel that I’m not exactly needed in anybody’s life.

I’m an emotionally deprived fucktard now.
Is it really true that they will be there whenever I need them?

I don’t think so.

I’ve just come to realise that the friends whom I refer to as Best Friends are no longer worthy of that definition. We no longer share our woes and happiness together. We no longer do the things we used to do together. We don’t even understand each other anymore. Isn’t this pathetic?

There are so many people whom I really miss …
But do they feel the same?

Anw, I’m alright! Don’t have to console me! haha.
It’s just one of those days when you have to think so much.

Communication is knowledge

I’m currently blogging using my new desktop.
This is the first time I ever got something above 1k myself.
And I carried it home myself? Am I power or what?
Goes to show that I’ve grown up already?

Guess it’s a tiring night for me.
A little headache after getting all the things setup. Not completely done yet.

Learn to appreciate little things in life

I’m beginning to like this watch and am planning to wear it for the first time.

I know my friends probably got this watch for me (on my bd) because it has a big clock face and crystals around the frame. Just about everything I like in a watch. And they know that I’m a watch person; who feels that watches and accessories played the same role.
The only downside of it is, it’s white in colour.

But then again, how often do you get friends who take note of your likes and dislikes so well? I really appreciate this group of friends that I have.

There are many things in life that you don’t love at first sight. It could be your course, your friends, a particular food or drink or even your future career.

And there are just some things, even though you don’t like it, you can’t just throw them away or abandon them. For me, I usually grew to like it because there are strings attached to them; a beautiful story behind them even if it’s not told to me.

You never know what you have until you lost it.
You always know what you have, but you just never think that you’d lost it. How very true.

The story behind my vainity

I have a confession to make. Sometimes I wonder if people look at me and associate me with words like “cosmetics junkies”, “vain” etc with a purpose. Like in the recent 2 years, I get various people calling me “fashionista”, “beauty consultant” and “makeup artist”. Honestly, I do feel a wee bit proud of these names, because this goes to tell that people recognize you as someone who dresses well and knows how to make yourself look good and pretty. Yet at the same time,  I don’t know if they think that I’m pretty made up on the outside but empty on the inside.

I didn’t turn vain overnight. I didn’t become a confident person overnight. I didn’t know how to use cosmetics and take good care of my skin overnight.

I was born ugly. Maybe not to that extent but still … ugly. I wish I could show you a picture or two, but unfortunately I threw away all my baby photos. I have very low self-esteem at that time. While people praise my sister for looking good, people would laugh at me (even if it’s secretly). I have obvious buck teeth in the past and I am too quiet for my own good. Nobody would like me except for the fact that I’m pretty much a very accommodating and easy going kid and I’m super obedient. I would not stand if you ask me to sit.

When I grew older, I got rid of my buck teeth but I was short and nothing could change that. I have inherited my mum’s genes; she’s small in size and short. And she doesn’t have good skin. I got worse when puberty comes cos my face suddenly became pimply and oily, and my hair was poofy dry like grass. Most people experience their first crush from other people in secondary school, but not me. Even a junior in my secondary school once commented on my FB wall about how my pimply skin disappear and became so fair and smooth. =.=

There you have it. One of my worst days even in Poly Year 1.
My face was obviously round to a certain extent. I almost can’t see my chin and my cheeks look like they can burst any min. (Look at my blog banner to spot the difference) I have absolutely no idea why my face shape changes now. My skin wasn’t at the worst stage but still, it was pretty oily and there were tiny pimples.

I started really using cosmetics when I was near the end of Poly Year 2.

And I actually learn from my sister. She is younger than me by 2 years yet she started using cosmetics way earlier than I did. I started from a simple brown eyeliner and people could see the difference. But because it’s brown in colour, they didn’t know I did use eyeliner. All they knew but couldn’t figure it out was my eyes seems to sparkle.

But cosmetics aren’t gonna help much if my skin condition is like shit. My mum loves to stare and comment on my pimples and I get neighbour asking me how come I have so much pimples when she walked past me the other time.

I knew I had to take care of my skin somehow. But I don’t know what to do except for the basic cleansing and using pimple creams. I’m glad my mum is the sort of person who would spend a bomb on skincare so I got to use her cleanser and toner. But she didn’t know exactly know how to use them and told me not to use her toner everyday cos it’s super expensive. =.=  I have no money, so I couldn’t get my own skincare either.

It was until my days in SPH (Poly Year 3) that got me very interested in skincare.

As a lifestyle journalist, I got to attend skincare and beauty events. And I had to think of beauty topics to write about so google became my best friend at work. Because of work, I started knowing more about the latest skincare inventions way earlier than my peers did. So I started exploring more skincare and cosmetics (by now I have my own bank acc and salary) and this was my first step to changing.

When I was in China, I diligently take good care of my skin. Cleanse, tone, moisturize and bi-weekly masks. I never once skipped the routine. My skin gradually improved and even more after I started going for regular facials when I was back from China. I took 2 years and more to get my skin condition back on track. I would not say it’s perfect now but at least I got rid of the unsightly pimples and my face isn’t as oily as before. And occasionally, people praise my good skin!   Even my facialist commented that I have pretty good skin and my face is glowing in pink – the kind of radiance glow everybody wanted.

How I wish I’m the sort of person who doesn’t need to depend on skincare products for a beautiful skin. But since I’m not, I have to make sure I take really good care of my skin. Now my greatest hobby is to explore skincare and cosmetics because why would anyone reject a beautiful skin if there’s a way to achieve them? And when you have a great skin, you can save alot on cosmetics.

But I wish people would understand that I’m not just pretty (or act pretty wadever) on the outside but empty on the inside. It’s just that I don’t really share my innermost feelings on my public domain and people judge me for what I write. I take my blog as a platform to share with my readers my likes and dislikes. And I have the need to really take good care of my skin lest I become the old “me” again.

BBB

Why is it that girls get BBB every 28 days?

NOT BLACKBERRY BOLD but …

- Bad hair days
- Breakouts
- Being Emotional

It’s like a vicious cycle that never stops.
And that’s when you will find me slapping on tons of oxy 10 on my face at night, my hair goes crazy and my mind goes wild. Like I keep thinking that something bad might happen to me or someone close to me!

It’s irritating how sometimes I might suddenly be overly sensitive or  protective over certain things/people that mean alot to me. FML.

Oh well, I’ll try to think about happier things that will put a smile across my face instead. Like, how I’m finally going on a vacation trip with my boyfriend. It will be an awesome trip that marks a great beginning for 2010. And how I’ll be giving him the most amazing handmade birthday gift ever.

P/S: Everyone’s raving about Avatar. I wanna watch that too.

A nose that runs

My nose is running the whole afternoon!!!
Cannot stand it cos I kept sneezing and sneezing non-stop!!
Had an impromptu meetup with Joanne and I’m so afraid that I might die of running nose; so I brought along 5 packet of tissues there!!!! HAHAHA. Luckily, my flu subsided after popping 2 flu panadols.

I hate it when my nose tries to run away from me.

Ah. Okay. I did try to smile for one picture. HAHA.
I’m a little tired and sick. Guess I’m going to sleep soon.

 

What do you do when you miss a person?
I’ll try to focus on something else instead. But at the end of the day, that something you are focusing on will end and you’ll be back to missing that person.
Every night I could have got onto bed earlier, but I stayed up just to make sure everything’s fine and safe.
It kills when you miss a person too much.

Will anyone out there think of me too? Do I have that bit of anyone’s time ?

Dreamt of broken tooth

Yesterday I dreamt that one of my tooth was broken. I was chewing hard on nothing, but my tooth. And the tooth broke into half as a result.
It’s been a long time since I last remembered any dream but this one was so vivid because I could literally feel the pain of the tooth being broken. You know how tooth normally came off in one whole good piece, but mine actually broke into half instead. And it was at a position visible to the eyes. Without that tooth, I won’t be able to look good smiling anymore. And the funny thing was I knew I was chewing in the dream, but I couldn’t stop myself from doing so. The more I tried to stop, the faster my chewing speed went.

And when the chewing stopped finally, my tooth was broken already.
It was terrifying.

I woke up, checked that my teeth were still in place with my tongue, before I could go back to sleep peacefully again.

So I went to google what does dreaming of broken tooth means
and here are some perceptions:

1. False or disembodied teeth portray the breakdown of an important relationship in the dreamer’s life—not necessarily a romantic one.

2. Broken or decayed teeth imply the need for repair in some department of the dreamer’s life. Look to other symbols in the dream to judge which one.

3. Reflects your anxiety over appearance or the lose of power.

And I found somebody having the same dream as me! She seeked for help in a column (something like kelly says), and the response given was:

Well, if you’re a guy the dream could mean you’re feeling a little woozy these days. Perhaps you haven’t picked up the gauntlet someone threw down.  Perhaps you’re afraid of losing your job or you’re broke and/or in debt.  That’ll take the bite out of life won’t it?

If you’re a woman … If you’re a woman then you may have some of the same fears as a guy plus issues of your biological clock ticking, not being able to get pregnant, want a child but aren’t even dating, feeling not too sexy. Relationship just ended would fit both genders too.

Whatever the situation, just ask yourself where or why do I feel weakest, most helpless, in my life right now?

True? Yes? No?

Well, it could also be because I’m grinding my teeth too much in my sleep. And now, I kept thinking that there’s something wrong with my teeth! Paranoid yes. Whatever it is, losing a tooth is very scary! I hope I don’t dream about this again.

Dear diary,

I want this happiness to last forever.

I don’t wana die from crying.
It’s just too much for me to take it.

如果我说爱我没有如果，错过就过你是不是会难过。
若如果拿来当借口，那爱是不是有一点弱。